Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
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“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Becoming a dad turned me into an environmentalist. All I do now is turn off lights and yell at people who waste energy.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up
going to the ER y’all need anything
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
I had to cancel my summer concert tour due to lack of ticket sales too so I know how Jennifer Lopez is feeling right now
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
My dog to the raccoon: bark bark bark
The raccoon: you’re wearing a sweater
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Reoccurring dreams be like
‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.