someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
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not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Have you experienced humidity? You may be entitled to condensation.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it