someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
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Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
No chill.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Local community Facebook groups are like:
“Anyone know what day is garden waste collection?”
↪️ “Ours is Friday but I don’t live anywhere near you”
↪️ “Friday is my daughter Lesley’s birthday.”
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.