someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
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boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Every time I’ve gone to the pharmacy for a prescription it feels like it’s the first day for everyone who works there and also for the concept of a pharmacy.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.