someone on TikTok accused me of stealing a stand up joke and when I asked them from who? they sent me a clip of someone doing the joke and that someone was me.
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me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
My Uber driver has crazy rules. I can talk, but anything I say can be used against me in a court of law?
It’s also kind of alarming that he has a full laptop setup and a shotgun in his front seat.
The cuffs I understand. Never can be too careful.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
Even a broken shrimp fries rice twice a day
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person