someone on TikTok accused me of stealing a stand up joke and when I asked them from who? they sent me a clip of someone doing the joke and that someone was me.
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People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
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Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Overindulged this afternoon.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
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