someone on TikTok accused me of stealing a stand up joke and when I asked them from who? they sent me a clip of someone doing the joke and that someone was me.
You Might Also Like
I’ve started doing my makeup before getting dressed in the morning because, if we’re running late, my husband may argue I don’t need makeup, but will never argue that I don’t need clothes.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
please do not read the flags my wife flies over our house. they are full of lies, or at least lack important context
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….