Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
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“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
What about a To-Don’t List?
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.