Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
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I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Hmmmmmmm….
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
This meeting could have been a cake
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Not messing around
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!