Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.

ME: A Boba Fete.

HER: You’re not invited.

I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig

If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…

My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.

I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.

My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”

I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.

detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up

[1st date]

You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away

Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.

*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*

[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”

When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.

I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.

[looking at pregnancy test]

Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird

Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird

High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others

i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.

Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.

You’re not going to believe this, but yesterday I slipped on a banana peel, grabbed a vine to keep from falling, swung across some quicksand and landed by a delicious apple pie that had just been put on the windowsill to cool.

My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight

Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.

Me: Was it Don Henley?

My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.

Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce

Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see

Michael Jackson didn’t have his first hit single until he was 11.

Eddie Murphy didn’t get cast on SNL until was 19.

Steven Spielberg didn’t make Jaws until he was 27.

You’re never too old to follow your dreams.

Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?

If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress

Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!

I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.

Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.

Me: You can’t fire me!

My circus boss: Just get in the cannon

Me: [Walks into kitchen]

[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]

Me: [Gasps]
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I still have Pringles?

In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.