Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
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You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.