Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.

Me: Wait, did you just point at me?

this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying

St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians

Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat

Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?

Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”

magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*

You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.

*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*

Pastor: For better, for worse?

Husbands: Sure.

P: In sickness and in health?

H: Yep.

P: Till death do you part?

H: I do.

P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.

H: Hang on … what?

“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN

Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.

i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off

as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default

Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?

I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷‍♂️

Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes

Everyone: *freaking out*

Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours

Everyone: *calms down*

Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff

*waits to answer so he misses me*

(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough

Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..

INTERLOCKED FINGERS?

send bail money!

Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*

When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.

But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?

Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.

“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣

My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover

*air fryer

Lube but for my dry humor.

You do you.

I’m gonna do me.

*married sex

It’s been a good 12 months for dogs

You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.

Stand by me.

I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.

My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.