Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
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I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
house sitting!
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
caveman: can I use some of that fire?
caveman who invented it: why?
caveman: im gonna burn glorg house down
caveman who invented it: no that’s arson
I need the people to know that olympic silver medalist giorgia villa is sponsored by parmesan cheese and regularly posts pics of herself with giant wheels of cheese
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.