Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.

Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”

Nailed it.

I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.

HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.

“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –

Me, the day after the office Christmas party.

My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.

[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want

I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body

Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.

Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*

absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted

(At war) you guys mind if I leave a bit early today?

Not now. I’m deglazing.

*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*

I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off

domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?

me: tell him to be ready to wrestle

If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?

When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.

An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”

Guys, I think I just saw future me.

You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.

when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.

Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol

Lmao

One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless person

I don’t like to talk about it

I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.

Urban Dictionary defines Heck:

Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.

SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about

if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us

[art store]

You do free framing?

“With any purchase”

Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do

me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog