Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.

While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.

God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*

God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.

I threw some bird seed on my lawn earlier and now there are dozen of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow

Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.

When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.

Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle

Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!

Husband: You should go to bed.

Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.

Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?

[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*

I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.

Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.

I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before

My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”

And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.

The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.

Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.

“You’re a nice guy”

One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ

The Friday File.

[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be

hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall

Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin

4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend

9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself

The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.

Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg

Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD

You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.

But God knows I’ve tried.

“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”

“Just do the damn laundry”

That’s easy for you to say

“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”

famous last (known whereabouts) words