Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
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I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
When I die I want my hearse to play ice cream truck music