someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Someone filmed bats upside down and it looks like a goth nightclub
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
