someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
My 6yo announced from the bathroom that he has good news and bad news, how scared should I be
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
I think ya’ll would be shooketh to know my name isn’t really SingleBabyMama.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
