Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
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Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?