Someone once threw some herbs in my eyes. It didn’t blind me but I’m now parsley sighted.
You heard.
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I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
I’ve just seen someone in a twitter thread drama respond
‘I’m not reading all that you parcel’
and why are commonplace words used as insults just so fucking funny and so much more devastating than anything else you could spend ten minutes of your life trying to choose
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2