Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Farmer: These two chickens share a nest

No one:

Me: Would you call that cooperation?

co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”

Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any

Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.

If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.

[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho

Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.

bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.

Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?

Me: what happens to our energy after we die?

Doctor: no, not like that

Me: do crabs think fish can fly?

Doctor: not like that either

Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?

Doctor: please stop

My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.

Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.

[sheriff’s office]

me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition

deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records

me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now

1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.

For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.

My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”

Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?

I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?

*turns off comments*

Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.

Told her not to worry, someone else will.

[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then

My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight

Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG

Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically

[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]

Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.

I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.

Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.

JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days

What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes

“Five year plan?”

[shuffles papers]

…written down here somewhere

… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper

Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children

feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?

Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards