Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let me show you what this mouth can do..

[eats a cheeseburger]

Every single bad day happened because I woke up

I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.

Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?

Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!

B: here’s your coffee. $12.32

M: thank you

It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want

As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.

I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.

dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health

I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.

“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

“Yeah….so is a grenade”

God: so you shoot them with the arrows

Cupid: yes

God: and then they fall in love

Cupid: right

God: with other compatible people

Cupid: uh well-

God: who will love them back

Cupid:

God:

Cupid: sure

[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”

“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”

Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw

Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?

If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.

friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me

Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene

mary: you booked a room right
joseph (playing on wooden xbox): yeah totally

I don’t know what to do

Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.

Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.

*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?

Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok

The sun is 100% solar-powered.

I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish

women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.

women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.

I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.

Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?

Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.