Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids

hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button

I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.

Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again

I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks

Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense

doctor: there are two wolves inside of you

me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?

doctor: won’t we all, someday?

me: shouldn’t you know?

doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy

I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”

[my future self comes back in time]

HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years

ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me

i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera

wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh

I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end

Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand

“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”

I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.

When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.

Who said parenting can’t be fun?

I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.

BOSS: You’re late again today

ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know

Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.

Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.

If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch

Goats that intimidate others are bully goats

Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.

TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!

I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.

*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.

got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there

To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.

him: anything to declare

me: i don’t really like soup

everyone else in customs: [GASP]

*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00