Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
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Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
You should be able to google why a couple broke up
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
LMFAOOOO
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat