Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.

Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.

I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich

I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at the park.

She sells c-cells by the seesaw

I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause

Husband made a meme about our baby’s reaction every time he sees the cat

Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu

[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.

Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes

Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.

All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading

Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other

Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!

I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?

HOW DARE YOU

If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”

We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.

Oh your baby’s name is Walter?

Is he close to retirement?

I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.

Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.

dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why

I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.

By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.

I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.

Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching

The Most Popular Apps:

*Door Bash, the delivery app for face punches

*NapChat, the messenger app for sleepy time

*Robe Locks, the bathrobe security app

*Air B&E, the apartment sharing app for burglars

*Andy Crush, the app that tells Andrew Garfield if you think he’s cute

Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?

*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*

my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”

If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.

are americans worse off?

in 2012, j crew’s bowery chino cost $79.50. today, the giant chino is $98. that’s a ~23% increase in price but 800% more chino.

When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.

Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.