Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
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i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
I’ve had 3 bagels in 5 days as long as I don’t eat another bagel for four more days
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.