Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
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Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Rock stars’ children have very strange names.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
I see your IQ test came back negative
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.