Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
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WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
anyone else like Italian cereal
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
If practice makes perfect then I should really know what to do with my arms by now, when trying to sleep
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK