Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
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I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
watching the vp debate, in any election year, is time you will never get back. time you could be using to learn a cool new skill. you could learn how to make pottery. you could make weird little bowls and shit
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
This is a whole mood;
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
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*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.