Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
You Might Also Like
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Saying “my body is a temple” is for people with money. When you’re poor, your body is a car. Like no it’s not supposed to be making that noise.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
how many bears make up a bear minimum
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄