Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
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A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
My ideal workday would be from 9:00 AM to 9:07 AM
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”