Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.

idk if im pregnant or what but i been craving 3 million dollars so bad

Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors

Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..

I haven’t given up on my fairy-tale ending. I still plan to be eaten by a wolf.

not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air

I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.

Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?

Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs

hair stylist: *visibly pales

“fuck you and the horse you rode in on” is a top tier saying like idk what the horse did but fuck them too for bringing ur ass here

(team meeting)

boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?

me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.

boss:

Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?

Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.

But… why can’t I use my teeth?

Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing

I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.

I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key

– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…

There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.

[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you

The trick to keeping Canadian bacon from curling in the frying pan is to take away their little brooms

I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.

Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!

Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!

We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.

Me: We’re swimming in debt

Wife: It’s fine

Me: The kids are going nuts

Wife: They’re fine

Me: You haven’t had a break in months

Wife: I’m fine

Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means

Wife: I’M FINE

Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵

Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.

i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

Nice romantic weekend with the husband.

Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.

Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.

Me: Ok goodnight

they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there

Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.

The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.