SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
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We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Phew
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Everyone says “Do what makes you happy”, until you push them down the stairs.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
* gets mugged *
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