Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
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[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
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My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*