Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
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Covert ops
archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Doctor: I’m diagnosing you with onomatopoeia
Me: what’s that???
Doctor: exactly what it sounds like
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.