Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”

ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel

MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*

My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.

If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.

I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!

Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.

Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.

saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face

4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare

me: me too. what was yours?

4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?

me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep

4: you know nightmares aren’t real?

me: yeah, I do

[last supper]

jesus: from now on it’s called dinner

Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”

“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”

Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.

outlook just asked me if i’m “enjoying” microsoft outlook. as if it is not the Torment Portal

For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.

Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.

Brat summer is out, attic wife autumn is in. We’re hissing at people. We’re withdrawing from society. We’re growing our hair below our waist. We’re setting fire to his curtains. We’re gaslighting his new side piece.

The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from

7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.

*takes sip of coffee* ..wait

*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.

My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?

Nothing says I’m drunk like:

“I’m drunj.”

it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,

..today i bought a 5lb bag.

Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”

I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.

We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex

Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land

Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.

I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people

“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭

Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.