Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
imagine how many people are in a mr. beast torture sphere right now and missing all this
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
