Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that

I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.

wet food twice a day is wreaking havoc on the spoon economy in this household

I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.

My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.

The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them

My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.

Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”

[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat

I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.

Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..

My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.

When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.

[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down here

guy: ya but it’s a dry heat

me: i totally get why you’re here

If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.

Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?

Me: French please

Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?

“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?

Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks

FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.

If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane

Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.

Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.

Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.

If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.

There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.

Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.

Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.

Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?

They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body

[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.

The shittier a bank’s website is, the safer your money is. Clean and easy to use web portal? You’re being scammed. Barely functioning console log looking windows 95 ass flash page? Sleep easy at night.

Instead of the USPS they should have the PSPS where trucks would just drive around and put cats in your mailbox.