Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.

I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.

What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?

I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.

hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫

Called in, “Car’s in the shop, so I’m taking the treadmill this morning. It’s taking forever.”

We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”

At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.

Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.

*aliens come to earth to steal our water*

[cut to]

*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*

I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery

Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.

*Gary pole vaults past us*

🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶

[wedding]

PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake

ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret

Guy – “Hey are you famous?”

Me – “No.”

Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”

Me – “I don’t speak English.”

Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”

Me – “The Ukraine.”

Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”

Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”

Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.

[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]

Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.

me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?

wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.

yeah i’m a bit of a rebel

Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?

Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.

[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospital

son: is it because she works there as a doctor?

me: *long pause* yes

son: stop doing this

If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker

Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not

I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral

I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.

Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.

ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no

I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”