someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
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Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
[going on a first date in the cool part of town]
HIM: did you have trouble finding the place?
ME: omg nooo i seriously come here all the time. this is my regular spot
SIRI: *from inside my bag, volume 10* YOU’VE ARRIVED
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
I will never stop laughing at this
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.