Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.

More like “science UN-fair”

*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*

*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon

Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.

Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.

Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.

usher: bride or groom

me: just a guest

usher: no which are you here for

me: neither I’m married

I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.

-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”

Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.

Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel

Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.

“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”

“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”

God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?

I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.

GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.

In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.

Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.

Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.

A wise man once said nothing.

[inventing jogging]

how can i suffer but with music

Daughter: *calling up the steps

Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.

Me: *appears wearing just a toga

All set.

A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.

So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.

Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!

Me: Yeah that was me

Gmail: No it was on another device!

Me: Yes my tablet

Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!

Me: what no

Gmail: CALL THE POLICE

i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now

You want me to go apple picking? The original sin???

Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?

Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE

People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.

6-year-old: Spill me some milk.

Me: You mean “pour.”

6: Not the way you do it.

If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.

Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.