Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.

totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure

Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’

Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet

I hope google does well on my son’s test

I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand

I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards

[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell

Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.

Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.

Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.

My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.

So I’ve got that going for me.

*teacher sees students sharing a note*

Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud

Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…

*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*

My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.

My wife during our sexy time does not.

[first date]

ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato

HER: It’s really hot in here

ME: [starts baking] oh no

GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag

The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously

just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes

Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.

I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.

In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”

roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep

Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???

I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway

Googles *getting back in shape*

Google: back?

*Sad trombone noise*

Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”

Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.

H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?

Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!

Me: Good luck with that.

(4am)

Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.

Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.

Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:

– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle

[the first couples argument]

Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.

Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.

A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”

I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal