Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i was negotiating with a big but troublesome customer once about a project they wanted us to give them a schedule for without any sort of financial commitment. after a few back and forths where they weren’t getting what they wanted, they tried a new tack:

“well let’s pretend we give you guys the go ahead. what would the release date be then?”

me: “well in that case we’d pretend to give you a release date.”

there was a few moments of silence. i wasn’t invited back to future calls.

Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.

Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.

If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?

Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?

Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey

Exec: I dont think that works

Writer: Se-seven Monkeys

Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-

Writer: TWELVE monkeys

Exec: Now.. hold on a second.

Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.

I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat

Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.

BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.

Me: you have a bug on your shoulder

Doug: a what?

Me: *clears throat* a boug

Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.

extrovert: want to come out with us

me: i’ll let you no.

I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.

Arranged my own kidnapping.

Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.

I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.

*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*

Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!

~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.

People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.

I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.

I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.

Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…

I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.

My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:

1) Me
2) My Best Friend

I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.

I’m not sure I like progress.

I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”

Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.

Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.

*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*

Fred Flintstone drove by this morning

Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?

me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe

I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car