Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
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Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedPeople will remember:
-The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
never thought about how many random ass people i would have to tell that i was getting divorced. verizon employees! car insurance agents! a trader joe’s employee! (i did not have to tell the trader joe’s employee but that one felt right).
Sounds like a bargain
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
I enjoy a good short stor
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
You are what you delete.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source