Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
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Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Coughing so much that next doors dog has started barking back at me. Best conversation all day
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”