Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top

I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.

lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?

Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am

lawyer: where are you?

me: 2018

Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today

Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?

Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few

Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.

Me: I just took my contacts out.

If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.

Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine

*viking dad at a funeral*

I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows

I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.

Yup

I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.

Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin

[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]

Me: What?

[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at midday

chicken: gotcha

Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit

Me: how about we role-play?

Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.

Pickpocketed in London by a quite old man. Saw him whip my purse out of the side pocket of my bag. Was a nice purse I bought in Paris but swings and roundabouts – I use it to store my emergency travel tampons.
Have fun, tea leaf granda! Hope you only have a light to medium flow x

My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up

[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]

My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker

Classic case of counter terrorism

Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”

Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW

I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.

When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane

Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns

If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.

Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house

Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.

Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.

Saturday