Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
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“FOUND ‘EM!”
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.