Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
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A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
rip to my favourite tweet
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
same energy
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
So true for me
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Ugh but profoundly
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter