Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
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I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
The United Steaks of America
Beware…..
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
I called the cops on my own party once because I was ready to go to bed.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
*looks at you in batman voice*
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.