Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
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Hang in there buddy
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
My cold is worse than yours because it’s happening to me.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
i get pissed off when i see things in my fridge starting to go bad like its the fridge. i feel like things should last forever in there. if i wanted you to go bad i wouldve kept you in my pantry
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
The last two times I’ve chewed gum I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth. That shit really should come with instructions.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
I want a ticket to anywhere. #FallonTonight
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.