Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
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A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Girl on the train complimented me and said I was funny, responded with “thanks, it’s all I have” and the rest of the train gave me a worried look
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
i’ve never seen a McDonald’s or a Burger King under construction. they just show up.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”