Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
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“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will finally be complete
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Asking the real questions!
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
You’re not going to believe this, but yesterday I slipped on a banana peel, grabbed a vine to keep from falling, swung across some quicksand and landed by a delicious apple pie that had just been put on the windowsill to cool.
Thanks to modern recycling technology you can now throw away the same Pottery Barn catalog 2000 times.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills