Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
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FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
A babysitter allowed our 4 year old to eat 5 loaves and 2 fish! I had 5000 men coming over that this food was for..
If you removed the wing from an Airbus A380 and put in next to Nelson’s Column, you’d cause havoc in central London, render a $445 million aircraft useless and spend considerable time in prison.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
Me: We are underbudget this month!
Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen