Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
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After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
A customer told me they were never coming back….
It was so windy today when I was walking to the gym that I got blown into the wine store
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
this is the greatest thing ever
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
forgive me baja for i have blast
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”