Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
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I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
Work IT Tech: Oh, you’re just gonna need an HDMI cable for that. Do you need me to send you one?
Me: No, no, I’ve been waiting for this moment* for a long time
*pulling out the big tub of cords in the garage
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do