Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
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LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
DADDY! You said the S word.
With Bull in front of it.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
I think my first day working for Microsoft is going really well.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.