Someone put a scale in the office kitchenette with a sign up sheet for “new year new you” this is an act of terrorism and I will be engaging in hand to hand combat with them at noon today
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*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.