Someone put a scale in the office kitchenette with a sign up sheet for “new year new you” this is an act of terrorism and I will be engaging in hand to hand combat with them at noon today
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The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
When he asks for feet pics
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
I purposely overcook my holiday turkeys so I don’t have to hear anyone at the table say, “moist.”
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
2am Sunday morning and bam! it’s 1am again
Me: what the hell…I already did this hour
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
my mind
You just read my mind
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.
It cost me an arm and a leg!
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick