Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
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There are no pants in heaven.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
I sing this with my entire soul to anyone within earshot. I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that anything that is broken can always be mended.
-The inventor of duct tape, probably
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story