Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…

White Castle for the Win

Someone: what have you been up to?

Me: thanks, you too.

When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”

One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter

Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes

[ordering from the dollar menu]

me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please

If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.

Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this

A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.

Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel

If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.

I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.

It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.

*looks at calendar*

*looks at stomach*

*looks at calendar*

Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.

Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.

Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol

some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.

I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.

My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”

Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!

I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”

They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…

I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.

A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”

I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”

There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.

no. that was two husbands ago. my great, great ex husband

If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.

Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high

Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*

I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.

All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.

If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.