Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
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Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Finally a use for spoilers…
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL