Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
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Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
I found out my girlfriend was really a ghost
I suspected so, the moment she walked through the door
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
thoughts?
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”