Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”

Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.

*putting 4 to bed*

Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?

4: no

Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow

4: no, I won’t do that

Me:

4:

Me: ok, good talk

4: no

Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.

Student: that’s impossible

Me: I assure you, it’s not

I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum

How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.

the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear

Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”

Ummm 😳

5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?

Me: No

Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?

Me: Because he’s met me

Me: I have an imaginary gf.

Therapist: U can do better than that.

M: I know, it’s just–

T: I was talking to her.

[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]

Beavers: Booooo!

Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!

They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back

“You’d probably be more comfortable if you took more clothes off” is one of the dumbest lines that actually works on me

[first day as a 911 operator]

guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!

me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh

“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car

We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.

Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!

I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.

Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.

What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?

[gets pulled over]

me: problem, officer?

cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me

[2hrs 36m later]

me: how was that

cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number

80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad

When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.

Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.

When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people

My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.

COMPUTER: Your password has expired.

ME: So it’s a passéword.