Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
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Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
The asteroid..
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
no cat here
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible