Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“My safe word was Worcestershire.”

— A ghost

[speed dating session]

Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.

Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*

Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*

[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again

Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus

You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.

The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.

Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.

might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

WAITER: is everything ok?

ME: could I get a spoon or something

Print is alive and well!!!

Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time

Agatha Christie: hold my tea

Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny

Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.

GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son

GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..

Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.

The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.

kidnapper: we have your son

my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi

7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”

Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”

Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”

*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*

3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”

Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’

*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.

And we wonder why America is getting fat.

MATH

nobody’s gonna understand

i think both sides are to blame here

I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up

I get it fish, my body is also beer battered

“you won’t always have a calculator with you” yes I will. The real test should be whether or not I can finish the quiz without buying anything online

Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.

I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.

*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*

[emerging from a ten year coma]

my dad: look who finally got up

I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…