Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
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Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.