Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
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Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
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[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
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If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.
JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs