Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
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Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
shrek 2 was great… but i was disappointed when there wasn’t a second shrek
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
[speed dating]
Me “Why are you covered in blood?”
Her “it’s just a conversation starter!
Me:…
Her: And it worked! So… what blood type are you?”
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
Coffee is ready.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.