Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
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My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
#oldknees
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
plant them where lol
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
I was on a sofa next to my wife who was eating a snack and typing on her phone, I heard my phone ringing in the kitchen where I was charging it so I went to check it …
The SMS was from my wife, she wrote “Bring me a drink on your way back”
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.