Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
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When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Imagine the excruciating discomfort of having nothing to say to a child and choosing to compliment it on its gait. I myself don’t have to imagine.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.
Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.
Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Baking is just science you can eat.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.