Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
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[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
My job’s cybersecurity training said to “never assume a connection is real” and I was like I’m WAY ahead of you, pal
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.