Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room

BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-

ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]

I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.

My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game

“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”

Crowd: “NEIGH!”

“Jesus Christ.”

Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-

Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.

“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”

1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*

If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.

Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.

My life is spiraling out of control.

40-26-36.

My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.

over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy

Me: Can I have some of your candy?

3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?

Me:

3:

Me:

3:

Me: Deal.

Wife: NO!

My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.

Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser

Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.

Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew

The Chosen Phew

Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?

Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.

me: I’m not feeling well

doctor: take your glove off

i tried to clean up my chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival

There should be a place that rents baby goats out by the hour to come over and maintain your lawn

Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.

Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.

Her: So, what are we thinking?

Him: Well, one of us is thinking, “I have a good idea,” and the other is thinking, “No, he doesn’t.”

maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt

I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.

Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.

I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.