Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him

Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.

Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.

Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.

Dude, when’s the last time you read a book?

“shh, I’m getting mad online”

Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party

It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.

mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.

*novela book bar*

bartender: let me guess books not booze

him: tequila …

bartender: ’bout time here you go

him: … mockingbird

bartender: there it is

“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”

-I say to the person I don’t remember.

I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.

I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.

[Christmas]

Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!

Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*

*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*

Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?

Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.

Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺

HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER

Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.

My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well

american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere

You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”

This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”

Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked

I feel like people just come to the airport to cough

just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you

i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either

Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway

The sacred texts.

Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?

New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.

Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.

I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.

I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.

I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.

I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.

My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”