Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
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It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️