Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
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FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
today at work this lady said “it’s too bad you don’t have a tip jar. i wanted to leave you guys a tip” i said we do have a tip jar and pointed to it and she said “oh…” and walked away 😭
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Uh oh…
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
EVERYBODY SHUT UP the plane they use to fly the horses from all over the world to the Olympics for the equestrian events is called AIR HORSE ONE
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
