Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.

Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick

[Lois & Superman’s first date]

Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.

Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!

*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*

Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.

Just looked up my son’s search history.

Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.

Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is

Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.

dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed

I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.

You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.

There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.

I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.

Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.

Anyone want a chair?

One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50

all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.

What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?

Bars, they’re called bars

I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.

I’m so desperate for a vacation that at this point I’d spend an all inclusive week at Jurassic Park.

After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.

At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.

It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.

my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.

Genie: you get three wishes

Dog: I wish I was inside

Genie: two wishes

Dog: I wish I was outside

Genie: one wish

Dog:

Genie:

Dog: I wish I was inside

Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?

The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”

In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.

[Oreo meeting]

What about ‘sextuple stuffed’

“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”

[later googling Sextuple]

“Omg that’s genius”

I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.

[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?

Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.

Me: Ok, and how many at night?

Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.