Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up

Home alone tonight

The fridge is making weird noises

I think the beer wants out….

Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.

Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.

Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!

It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.

4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy

4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately

make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years

Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.

I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.

I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.

Tomorrow is open Mike night.

if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month

An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze

I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves

I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.

And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.

The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.

[immigration hall]

Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?

Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both

🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶

Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what

“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”

Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables

Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am

What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.

Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”

You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.

Yeah, me too.

13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.

Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.

13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”

Do I fail parenting now?

The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no

Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man

The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.

What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?

Icy dead people…

How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?

All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.

ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”

BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.

I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.

Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.